One of my favorite Brené Brown sayings is "Clear is Kind." It's the antidote to triangulation—the silent saboteur I see undermining executive teams constantly.
Triangulation—complaining to person B about person C instead of addressing C directly—feels safer in the moment but corrodes team effectiveness over time. In my years as a team consultant, I see this pattern of avoidance way too often. There are a variety of reasons for this:
- Some leaders don't feel comfortable talking directly about hard things to their peers. ("He's not my direct report; why do I have to be the one to say something about his undermining my junior PM.")
- Others minimize the problem. ("She only cuts me off every other time I talk lately.")
- Many simply figure it's not worth the trouble. ("I'm so conflict averse, I lose sleep thinking about how to talk about this with him. And what's really going to happen, anyway?")
Only you know if it's worth it to have an uncomfortable conversation, but I'll make the case: a lot of times, people have very little idea how their behavior is impacting others. A gentle nudge might be just the thing they need to make a change. In other words, give people the benefit of the doubt on this.
Even if they're aware how their actions impact others, at the very least there is power in speaking up. Rarely are these one-and-done situations, but in raising the issue, you're having an honest, authentic conversation—a real connection—with a colleague. And that's something you can build on.
Here are three norms to break the pattern:
- Start meetings with the question. "What's been said outside this room that needs to be said inside it?" This simple opening creates permission for honesty.
- Make "go direct first" an explicit team agreement. Write it down. Reference it when you slip up (because everyone will). Normalize the redirect.
- When someone triangulates with you, gently redirect. "Have you talked to them about this?" Often people don't even realize they're doing it. You're helping them—and protecting the team culture.
Clear really is kind. And these small practices make clarity possible.